A Book is the Only Mortality...

The Reader
By Bernhard Schlink
Year: 1997

Don't let the Oprah's Book Club sticker fool you, luckily this is not a book whose sole audience is people who are willing to read simply because a celebrity tells them to. No, Lucky for both the reader of this novel and for the reviewer, judging a book solely by the fact that a talk show host picked this particular book as an entry into her 'collection' is a crime. The Reader is a book that begs to be read and will no doubt provoke discussion once it has been read.

The book starts sometime after WWII in Germany and involves a young man by the name of Michael Berg. Michael is fifteen at the beginning of the story and serves as our narrator. From literally the first sentence, we learn that Michael at fifteen gets hepatitis and falls ill under it. On the way to school one day, he gets sick and is aided by an anonymous woman, some stranger who appears at the nick of time to clean up and mend him afterwards. However, to Michael, seeing her only that one time without thanking her is a crime. And so he goes to her house in lieu of attending school to see this mysterious woman. It is not long before Michael and the woman, who we learn is named Hanna Schmitz, embark of a passionate and heated relationship. While sex is a key part in their relationship, time and time again Hanna will ask Michael to read to her out loud, something that though I won't spoil proves to be a key part in the second and third acts of the book.

However, like the seasons, their relationship ends shortly with Hanna vanishing one day, where she goes or where she is heading is unclear to Michael, but it is only time before we learn where. A court perhaps. For we shortly thereafter learn that Hanna during the war worked with the SS and was responsible for the death of hundreds of women and children.

The second part of the novel details the trial and Michael realizing who Hanna truly was. What could prove to be a stale courtroom drama is a morality tale at the core. Michael only knows this woman from their love affair and it is a while before he can fully wrap his head around what she has done. Again, not to give anything away, but one may wonder if he ever does. During this trial, Michael is confused as to why Hanna, who he knew as a brazen and spirited woman falls upon deaf ears when attending the trial. Maybe she is hiding something, something that she is not only ashamed of but may be crucial.

Michael spends the remainder of the book picking up the pieces to his life and to the life he and Hanna had. He takes journeys to come to terms with everything he has spent the book dealing with. He wants to hate her for being such a violent and cold criminal, but he cannot. While what they did was illegal, she being more than twice his age, to the protagonist, it was not a crime, it was passionate love. Whether we agree with him or not is all up to our own personal beliefs.

Though being short on length, The Reader is a very dense book. The language may seem simple, but it is straightforward and truly captivating. There is so much going on in this book that a mere synopsis will do the novel no justice. Simply sitting down and reading is the best way to handle the book, to let it sink in and take control of you. I personally found it to be a magnificent book, one that challenged the reader with not only the core story, loved ones who hurt us, but also the morals and themes it brings up. Atonement, redemption, forgiveness, right, wrong, love and death. Threading everything together and creating a delicate and powerful novel, Schlink proves that even romantic tales can have deeper meanings. That books can truly make you feel for its characters and that you yourself can get inside the heads of its main players. While many have this talent, so few can truly let the story envelop and raise morals. Once you turn the final page, you will be satisfied.

*A note to people intrigued by this book: Ignore Amazon! It praises the book to the point where the novel's twist if you will is exposed. It is key to let the book speak for itself.

Well, I'll step of my soapbox and let the novel to the talking.

Anatomy of a Trailer: Rachel Getting Married, Blogger Annoyed by Grammatical Error

Well, as you know by know, I started a second site, of which so far looks good. So I'm happy to report that. But until I find anything compelling to write about, I figured, why not take apart a movie trailer? However, do know that judging by who is in the movie, there is a slight chance I will turn this into a bitter rant.

The film in question is the new Anne Hathaway project, Rachel Getting Married. Off the bat there is a big problem. "Hey!" You might say, "Jonathan Demme is directing it! It's gonna be amazing!" Remember, for every Silence of the Lambs, there is also The Truth About Charlie.

And let me just say this off the bat, I hate Anne Hathaway. Everything she has been in, she has given a terrible performance. Get Smart was the worst movie of 2008 I've seen, and knowing that Anne Hathaway was in it ruined the film even more. Steve Carell, who can be funny, wasn't able to carry that movie. It was a failed idea, and a painfully unfunny one as well.

Aside from Get Smart, Anne Hathaway has been in films such as The Devil Wears Prada(Terrible!), Brokeback Mountain(Horrendous!) and lest we forget those Princess Diaries movies(I'm having a Vietnam flashback!) Yes, I will take my hate for Brokeback Mountain to the grave. Not that it wasn't a good movie, it was just immensely overrated and somewhat insulting. But bad movie aside, all Anne Hathaway really did was provide...well, nothing. She was so wooden you could have made a table out of her. Prada was just a train wreck, and it had Meryl Streep! Not just any ordinary schmo, Meryl "Nominated 14 Times for an Oscar and won twice!" Streep. And honestly, how the hell does Anne Hathaway fit the bill for fat and dowdy? She picked up every trick in the stringy hair book, I'll give her that, but please, the next person who tells me she's a magnificent actress I might just flip.

Oh yeah, there's a trailer somewhere here.

As you can imagine, I will avoid seeing this film at many costs. Everything from the title, to it's star to the fact that the trailer fits so many trailer molds and tells so much it's not even funny. I mean, Rachel Getting Married?! Who came up with this, a two year old? It's a fragment, and frankly, it's pissing me off.

So yeah, it tries to be quirky (As many indie films do) but it tries and fails so much. We are introduced to the black sheep of the family, Kym(Anne Hathaway, the polar opposite of bad sheep) and how she's going to her sister's wedding. She's been in rehab and is returning for the weekend to be with her family. Awwww....

Yeah, that's the whole premise. It sounds like Pieces of April aged ten years and put into reverse. Hey, wasn't their another movie about dysfunctional sibling relationships between sisters last year involving marriage? Margot at the Wedding ring a bell?

What Demme appears to be aiming to do is create a Hannah and Her Sisters for the new millennium. A family comedy/drama about the people close to us. Except Hannah is good. Like, amazingly good. In fact, one of my favorite movies good. Though trying to emulate such a movie is a giant stretch, you get my drift.

Also, the director seems to want to ward off audiences by showing as much as he bloody well can in two and a half minutes. Demme wants to start out funny, then be as inspirational as a warm hug. He transplants the joy and well being of a wedding into this movie and tries to relate to the audience by showing that Hollywood is just like you. We too have siblings we care for but feel have wasted their life, but in the end, we love them.

To Sum it Up: Rachel Getting Married looks like the kind of movie that will have people going, "Well, it's cute I guess." After seeing this trailer, it leaves barely anything for the viewer to imagine. But if you really need to see this movie, it'll probably not lose any of it's value on DVD. It's cheaper, and you can pause it when you realize it's bad.

All I know is that if I had Anne Hathaway as a sibling, she sure as hell best be staying away from my wedding.

Trailer Link: Rachel Getting Married

Little Brains, Little Talent: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

To my Loyal Reader(s):
I apologize for my lack of posting for about a month, I wish I could give you a good excuse for my absence for a month, but alas, I can't. I've had plenty of things on my plate, I've been trying to write a book, which means I started writing, but had another brain fart and I'm working on something completely different. So, to make it up to you, I decided to start a series of posts about people who I particularly despise. Now, for a first candidate, you might have expected me to take on a particular bisexual leprechaun that has no talent, but I've gone on over kill and one more post about her, and it's Deer Hunter for me. No, I've got someone a whole lot worse to rag on. One friend of mine in the blogosphere, Stacey over at Webster's is my Bitch has countlessly talked about who I consider the Britney and Justin of the new millennium.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please turn your attention over to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the reason why everyone hates America.

To those who don't go on the computer or watch TV, there is a show called The Hills, which I'm not 100% sure what its about other then the fact that the people on that show are vain and shallow and more popular then you are. And on this waste of airspace, we watch the lives of two especially annoying and shallow people, Heidi and Spencer, and observe them in their natural habitat. Judging by what I've seen on the internet, this dream couple have got to be the most boring people on the face of the planet. Seriously folks, the only people who really care about the antics of these two would be themselves. Heidi and Spencer, or Speidi as they're referred to, must think that the people watching their show care about them and worship, which is true for a large part. But for the other people in the universe who don't give two thoughts about them, it's better we ignore them than fuel the beast.

Remember when our celebrities did something? When Princess Di pitched in to help the world while Bono went to third world countries to fix the lives of the people who lived in suffering everyday? Now we have famous people who don't have to do anything to attract a crowd. Simply because they star on a third-rate TV show and they are young and beautiful, they must be the center of attention. Have you heard these two morons speak? Listening to Spencer Pratt talk about Heidi and his 'career' is almost like listening to a sea shell, we think we hear something, but it's just so self contained that we regard it for the wind. And Heidi, man oh man, how in the hell does this attention whore get so much god damn work?! Already she has a TV show, a Clothing line, and a recording deal. What next, her own amusement park where skinny bimbos yap about things that nobody in their right mind cares about.

Though the world might absolutely despise this couple, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. While proving themselves useless, Speidi is able to make a career out of something unintentional, their stupidity. Just hearing them talk you'd expect the wind up key in their backs to stop twirling and watch them collapse like wind up dolls. You only have to watch this brief clip to get a clear picture on how much of a douche Spencer Pratt is. How pathetic do you have to be that people pay you to go club? Holy mackerel, the guy is such a tool. And Heidi, please. stop. Does not want... It's no surprise that the lost soul is an avid McCain supporter.

When I look at such wastes of human life, I can only be reminded of Britney and Kevin, the football QB/cheerleader couple on the much loved on my behalf, under appreciated animated show, Daria. This couple is the butt of every joke. They are incredibly moronic kids who need to get their own lives, they don't do any of their homework, they can't think for more then a second. Hell, Britney in one episode thought that Henry David Thoreau was Henry Fonda and he went to Walden Pond to reconcile with his daughter, Jane Fonda. Coincidentally, the two are named Britney and Kevin, a dark foreboding and an ultimately true to life portrayal of the young and the brainless.

So Speidi, if you're reading this(If you can), don't take this as any hard feelings. Just go back to your uninteresting lives and return to your perfect little world where you belong. And don't come back.

The Final Supper

Top Chef
Wednesdays at 10:00
Channel: Bravo

Time and time again, I have talked about reality TV, though it has been with harsh words and an angry and embittered look at television as a whole. And I don't blame myself one bit. If you just look at what it is that people watch, you too will find reason to bitch about all things trivial and intoxicating. Because we all know unless the dinosaur also known as Dina Lohan doesn't have her own show, then god dammit, the world is at rest.

So for a slight change, instead of telling you not to watch on TV(A list which goes on for miles), I figured in honor of last night's finale, I would talk food with you and do a small retrospect on my form of Crack TV, Top Chef.

As far as reality TV, there is few good shows to watch, so when a vicious critic like myself finds a good competitive reality show, a diamond in the rough if you will, there is cause for celebration. As it may seem, Top Chef may look like the little sister of the ever so popular and fierce, Project Runway. There's also Project Runway's dumpster baby, Top Design, that was shown to the public, but the public cowered in fear like Ann Coulter's children do whenever she tries to read them a bedtime story. Unlike Runway, Chef does not maintain the same form of trashiness and mayhem that its big sister craves like starletards crave their daddy's AM-EX Gold card. Sure, there are some people who you would happily bludgeon with a ten pound frozen steak or boil in their own pudding, but the audience is mainly drawn to the power and the effort that goes into every meal served. Not to say that Runway is just like eating chocolate cake, but on Chef, the contestants throughout the season are able to grow close to their teammates, it's not all about the individual all the time, it's not about who is mean and cranky, its about who has what it takes to create a meal that is both inventive and full of effort and talent. Which brings me to the center of my retrospect, how even the best can mess up, and it will cost them the title.

To anyone who has been watching this past season, you may recall the many chefs that stepped into the kitchen, hot headed but talented Dale, super smart and super genius Richard, Ms. calm, collective and totally talented Stephanie, douchebag white boy(s) Spike and Andrew(Wait, which one was which again?), the list goes on. Each person had their positive and negative aspects, each person seemed full of ideas. And then there are those who got by on one thing along.

Sheer dumb luck.

I say sheer dumb luck because as the viewers saw, it wasn't Dale, or Antonia, hell, even Jennifer, though not the best she wasn't only in it for the fame. This season did not have a Marcel or a Christian Sirrano or Tila Tequila, it had one who made it as far as she did simply because every time she screwed up, someone else did even worse.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lisa Fernandes.

My problem with Lisa was the fact that she outlasted so many people who were better then she herself was, and she didn't always seem to try, nor did she get her act together. She vowed not to screw up once she made it to Puerto Rico, and upon arrival, did very bad. But like in all cases, she did bad, person B did even worse. Though she outlasted the majority of the people in the competition, it was the fact that she was so snarky that broke the camel's back.

See, with Lisa, you disliked her, you thought she was unpleasant to be around, and she wasn't very compelling, you didn't tune in simply to see what she'll do next. Marcel was entertaining because while he was good, everyone hated him to no extent. He made the show addictive, his Eddie Munster hairstyle amazed the laws of gravity(seriously, it stayed perfect!), and don't even mention the foam. He was an asshole, but an asshole who was good at what he was doing, which was in the end, cooking. And Lisa didn't even have that.

Despite all other babble from here and there, the sure fire winner of Top Chef, the one who everyone had their Vegas bets in the pot for was Richard. So when Richard failed because of both his strength and his weakness, I, like many must have been shocked to see that in the end, all of that knowledge, his many new ideas were what cost him the title. And that alone must burn.

Season 4's dark horse winner, Stephanie was just a home girl from Chicago itself who refused to let anxiety get to her head and proved that it's not just the men who can cook. Though I assume she'd be very angry if a misogynist asked her to stay in the kitchen and make him a sandwich. With Stephanie, she was not only a good cook, but of all of the people, she seemed the most like a person I would be friends with or would trust with a knife and a cutting board.

Another positive thing that I especially liked was the friendships that were blossomed from the show. And I know how corny that sounds, but during the course of the show, there was a power team, Richard, Stephanie, Andrew and Antonia. The fab four who became the power trio once their weakest and worst member Andrew was kicked off. These three were partners for two competitions, one being Wedding Wars and the other, Restaurant Wars. Like a group of old friends, they made arguably the best food there. Each person was original, they equally contributed and made great meals, so that itself kept my interest. Such a contrast to watch the other players struggle and fight and whine until they were in the bottom.

Like in the finale, there were plenty of shocks that happened throughout the show. First being Dale's early departure. Here was a talented chef who proved he could cook. I mean yeah, he had a bad day, but compared to Lisa, the negative Nancy she was, he had skills. Two of the season's strongest in the end both lost, which is both a shame and a surprise. However, the uncertainty was very intriguing to watch. Until Season Five, I'll be licking my fingers and salivating for more.

Experiment in Terror

The Stangers
Year: 2008
Directed by: Bryan Bertino
Starring: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman
and Gemma Ward

Well, I've got to hand it to you, I was wrong for once about a movie. Actually, I have been wrong about many movies, but I haven't blogged about any of them, now have I?

So, I bet you're wondering how Mr. Rock Hard Horror Movie Lover felt about the latest in "Inspired by True Events" movie, which in my book is an immediate kiss of death. Not only is it a kiss of death, but it makes the film seem kind of pathetic. Sure, adding a tagline that claims the events depicted in the film are based on real events, so the added sense of reality should cause me to quiver in my boots. However, I am one who thinks that a movie can be scary on its own without having to try and make it look like a true story. And come on, they usually don't even mean it when they say it was inspired by true events. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a huge fabrication, a hyperbole covered in gore and guts that took the story of Ed Gein and ran with it. Gein however is not present here in this film. No, the killers here don't come with catch phrases, they don't mutilate any fingers or tear out any eye sockets. While they may have masks, they don't terrorize horny teenagers at summer camp. The terror is at your house. Late at night, when all seems normal and safe.

How wrong we are.

Compared to what my original impression was once I saw the trailer, how I viewed the film changed dramatically. Upon seeing the trailer for The Strangers, I began to break out in a fit of giggles. A film where two gorgeous people are chased around their house by maniacs? How original! But this is so much more than just a throwaway horror flick with skin and blood to spare. The blood is minimal, the sex is interrupted and from what I saw, NO misogyny, so forget any cameo from Paris Hilton.

I saw The Strangers at a daytime performance, 10:45 to be exact. So I was the only person in the theater. Only time would tell how scary, creepy and just downright frightening The Strangers ended up being.

Like many horror films, The Strangers takes place in the middle of the night. We first see a young couple, Kristen and James(Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman), and from the looks of it, their love life is on the rocks. Before we are subjected to the thrills and chills The Strangers beholds, like in any good movie, we need to examine the lives of our characters before we get in over our heads.

Using a somewhat voyeuristic eye as well as an unsteady camera that looks at our characters, as well as minimal everything. There is some music, but the music is only prevalent when the strangers in our film turn on a record to scare not only the characters, but the audience. And trust me, I am a die-hard horror film addict, but I don't get scared easily, unless it's really scary. And recently, my scare odometer has been very low. Sitting in the dark, alone, I realized how no matter where we were, being alone can be the scariest time of all. Because though we may ignore it, someone is there, watching and waiting for you to notice.

To call The Strangers "a jump out of your seat nail biter!" does the film no justice, I jumped many, many times through out the movie. I gasped, my heart raced, I didn't want the two protagonists to suffer the impending fate that they had led themselves into. I would call this movie one of the smartest movies in the horror genre in recent years. It's more than fear, it's the frightening notion that strangers can and will do what they want with you, and that we can't always be sure who is around the corner.

Oh the Horror, the Horror!

Well, after being mentioned a second time on the daily Pajiba Love,(Thanks Stacy!) I have decided to write something else that is a semi rant/looksie at some of the summer movies(well one of them) and in case the picture to my left isn't a good enough clue, that would be The Strangers, a film based on true events like Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on true events. Which in the end meant stretched out far from the truth and turned into a gory spectacle. But why in particular this movie? I mean, I, like many am pumped and anticipating for when The Dark Knight comes out(I'm waiting for when IMAX tickets go on sale), why pick a horror flick with seemingly true plot elements and stars freakin' Arwen the Elf? Which is where my point comes in handy.

Too many horror movies are a) released at the wrong time of the year or are b)terrible.

I first saw a trailer for The Strangers when I went and saw the underwhelming and displeasing The Ruins, and to be quite honest, I began to have a laughing fit in the middle of the theater. Mainly because it seemed like a totally cliched trailer for what seemed(seems) to be just another version of Funny Games, but it will make more money and actually make a spot on the top ten of the weekend. But in the trailer, I'm not 100% sure what pissed me off more about it; was it the fact that Liv Tyler was standing in the kitchen when there was a masked villain in plain sight, or was it the fact that she had a lit cigarette? I'm going with the cigarette to be quite honest. And now, after watching the trailer several times, I find it to me semi eerie, but still not something I'd pay $10 to see, more like a half price matinée. The elements it shows are all hand book scares:

• Skipping record
• Person standing while the killer is right behind them
• Non creepy song taken out of context and made freaky
• Quick cuts to make what is normally a kind of scary moment into a terrifying pee your pants experience
• Masked killers with screw around with the protagonist's head
• Swing(or other object) that makes a noise but no one is there

I could go on, but I've got other things to talk about.

So seeing as this is a movie that is being released during the summer and looks like it might sucker me in(though I'm still not sure I need a movie of Liv Tyler screaming for two hours), why not around Halloween? How much more scary would this movie be if it were released when there were people in masks surrounding you and you are out and about alone? Despite the latest movie in the torture porn series, Saw, or a crappy PG-13 remake of a Japanese movie with a gorgeous star from One Tree Hill, there's not much to fear about the modern age of horror.

I mean, let's look at what has been good in terms of horror: The Descent. Why can't we make movies like The Descent that screw with your mind and make you cringe and give you an ending with a huge punch that leaves you flabbergasted? However, that is one movie in two years. That's sad. I enjoy the feeling of fear a good scary movie can give you without having to bare boobs or be misogynistic like Hostel. Scary doesn't mean show all of the blood and guts. Fear can also be caused by what you don't see then always what you do see. It's why Jaws is so legendary, until you briefly see the shark, your pants have turned to a shade of brown.

And why do we have to remake every damn movie the Japanese produce? The number of bad horror movies that get released in March of all months and earlier is just horrendous. If you're going to make a scary movie, for once find something original. And that's where we get into Hostel territory. Not a remake, but a disgusting orgy of boobs and intestines. It seems that today, what is not a remake is just torture porn. And that frankly will not do. Horror doesn't have to rely on blood and skin to attract an audience. A good horror movie is like a regular good movie. It relies on its story and it creates characters you are both repulsed and intrigued by. Hannibal Lecter much?

So, to the producers and people who make movies in Hollywood, those who suggest making another remake of a perfectly fine movie(Platinum Dunes, you suck donkey), tell them to watch those classics and take notes. An homage is better than a rip off, in case you were wondering.

And as an added bonus, for those who have not seen it: The Strangers trailer!

Tila Tequila Eats Puppies and Watches Kittens Cry

To the Picture to my Right: Why are you smiling?! I'm not! It's because of your show that I have become an embittered blogger with a heart of fire and a strong hatred of MTV. If this is the Zeitgeist, then I want out.

Aw...Now that was a little too harsh, wasn't it?

Um...No.

As you may already know, I have a severe distaste for a certain show called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" A show which is apparently a show so important that they(being MTV) decided to give the starletard the butt end of her fifteen minutes of fame. I think she's on 13:47, so we're close!

Now, it might be semi immature to accuse Miss Tequila of such heinous crimes. I'm doing the world a favor in hopes that they might be swayed by my accusations, which I'm positive are true. But that's just me. However, I will say that while she may not necessarily eat puppies, I'm certain that she enjoys watching her contestants eat goat(?) testicles. Didn't the Wicked Witch of the West do that to the Scarecrow before becoming a news anchor for Fox?* Oh well, I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

I'm guessing that you, the reader of my site, would rather see me review her heinous abortion of a program than simply tell you not to watch it, and instead watch something like this family movie from France or something a bit lighter like this cute little gem with an animated rabbit. I'm pretty sure you'd rather watch a movie that describes the pain you get from watching a small portion of an episode of Shot at Love.

Now, on to the review:

As you already have guessed, A Shot at Love is a very, very bad show. Not only is it very bad, but because of this putrid waste of air wave space as well as other shows that spawned this show from the back of the middle school x number of years ago, there are only more and more bad shows being produced.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

Celebracadabra: A show about celebrities who team up with magicians! Hey, since when did Hal Sparks do anything else besides make out with Strawberry Shortcake?

Farmer Wants a Wife: Where, believe it or not, a farmer wants a wife. I. Kid. You. Not.

I Know My Kid's A Star: Ten teams of parents and children go at it Lohan family style to prove that their kid is SO much better than your kid. So suck it.

Secret Talents of the Stars: A show canceled after one episode which featured secret talents of the stars! Because my life would not be complete unless I saw Ben Stein do the jitterbug. See, if the title tells me all the show is about, I'll know how to avoid it. However, I'm sure episode two showed how far Pamela Anderson could stick a banana down her throat! LOL!!!!1 It's the 90's all over again!!!1

Man, sometimes, I wish I was joking. The writers return only to find that Reality TV has worsened, that people are actually making these shows and some folks are actually watching them. Which means only one thing: Despite the lack of decency MTV had during the first season, they decided to take another shot at love, and it seems to have worked.

Yeah, from the bit I saw, the people were arguing about something, probably involving mud wrestling or some incredibly hot and heavy sport. Some guy got injured, proving that love hurts! Tila made out with a female contestant while the camera man had a mini vacation. But this season, Tila has raised the bar, she's making sure that she is able to find that one person who she can fall in love with. Wasn't that her mission last season???

On a side note: At my friend's school, a student was accepted to be on Rock of Love 3. Which totally blew my mind, seeing as Season 2 had only just started. Would that mean that I'm right all along? That Reality TV is a sordid and horrific zone full of torment and fear?!

Well, except for Top Chef. Now that there is a quality show.

P.S This fall, more Pushing Daisies! So after weeping in a corner for a year, you can rejoice and sing for the return of the greatest thing to happen to pie since Waitress!!

*Disclaimer, I'm sorry Ann Coulter. I know it wasn't goat testicles you tried to feed the Scarecrow. You were just going all Ellen Page in Hard Candy on John Edwards. Can you still sleep at night? If so, you have no heart.