Little Brains, Little Talent: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

To my Loyal Reader(s):
I apologize for my lack of posting for about a month, I wish I could give you a good excuse for my absence for a month, but alas, I can't. I've had plenty of things on my plate, I've been trying to write a book, which means I started writing, but had another brain fart and I'm working on something completely different. So, to make it up to you, I decided to start a series of posts about people who I particularly despise. Now, for a first candidate, you might have expected me to take on a particular bisexual leprechaun that has no talent, but I've gone on over kill and one more post about her, and it's Deer Hunter for me. No, I've got someone a whole lot worse to rag on. One friend of mine in the blogosphere, Stacey over at Webster's is my Bitch has countlessly talked about who I consider the Britney and Justin of the new millennium.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please turn your attention over to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the reason why everyone hates America.

To those who don't go on the computer or watch TV, there is a show called The Hills, which I'm not 100% sure what its about other then the fact that the people on that show are vain and shallow and more popular then you are. And on this waste of airspace, we watch the lives of two especially annoying and shallow people, Heidi and Spencer, and observe them in their natural habitat. Judging by what I've seen on the internet, this dream couple have got to be the most boring people on the face of the planet. Seriously folks, the only people who really care about the antics of these two would be themselves. Heidi and Spencer, or Speidi as they're referred to, must think that the people watching their show care about them and worship, which is true for a large part. But for the other people in the universe who don't give two thoughts about them, it's better we ignore them than fuel the beast.

Remember when our celebrities did something? When Princess Di pitched in to help the world while Bono went to third world countries to fix the lives of the people who lived in suffering everyday? Now we have famous people who don't have to do anything to attract a crowd. Simply because they star on a third-rate TV show and they are young and beautiful, they must be the center of attention. Have you heard these two morons speak? Listening to Spencer Pratt talk about Heidi and his 'career' is almost like listening to a sea shell, we think we hear something, but it's just so self contained that we regard it for the wind. And Heidi, man oh man, how in the hell does this attention whore get so much god damn work?! Already she has a TV show, a Clothing line, and a recording deal. What next, her own amusement park where skinny bimbos yap about things that nobody in their right mind cares about.

Though the world might absolutely despise this couple, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. While proving themselves useless, Speidi is able to make a career out of something unintentional, their stupidity. Just hearing them talk you'd expect the wind up key in their backs to stop twirling and watch them collapse like wind up dolls. You only have to watch this brief clip to get a clear picture on how much of a douche Spencer Pratt is. How pathetic do you have to be that people pay you to go club? Holy mackerel, the guy is such a tool. And Heidi, please. stop. Does not want... It's no surprise that the lost soul is an avid McCain supporter.

When I look at such wastes of human life, I can only be reminded of Britney and Kevin, the football QB/cheerleader couple on the much loved on my behalf, under appreciated animated show, Daria. This couple is the butt of every joke. They are incredibly moronic kids who need to get their own lives, they don't do any of their homework, they can't think for more then a second. Hell, Britney in one episode thought that Henry David Thoreau was Henry Fonda and he went to Walden Pond to reconcile with his daughter, Jane Fonda. Coincidentally, the two are named Britney and Kevin, a dark foreboding and an ultimately true to life portrayal of the young and the brainless.

So Speidi, if you're reading this(If you can), don't take this as any hard feelings. Just go back to your uninteresting lives and return to your perfect little world where you belong. And don't come back.

Oh the Horror, the Horror!

Well, after being mentioned a second time on the daily Pajiba Love,(Thanks Stacy!) I have decided to write something else that is a semi rant/looksie at some of the summer movies(well one of them) and in case the picture to my left isn't a good enough clue, that would be The Strangers, a film based on true events like Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on true events. Which in the end meant stretched out far from the truth and turned into a gory spectacle. But why in particular this movie? I mean, I, like many am pumped and anticipating for when The Dark Knight comes out(I'm waiting for when IMAX tickets go on sale), why pick a horror flick with seemingly true plot elements and stars freakin' Arwen the Elf? Which is where my point comes in handy.

Too many horror movies are a) released at the wrong time of the year or are b)terrible.

I first saw a trailer for The Strangers when I went and saw the underwhelming and displeasing The Ruins, and to be quite honest, I began to have a laughing fit in the middle of the theater. Mainly because it seemed like a totally cliched trailer for what seemed(seems) to be just another version of Funny Games, but it will make more money and actually make a spot on the top ten of the weekend. But in the trailer, I'm not 100% sure what pissed me off more about it; was it the fact that Liv Tyler was standing in the kitchen when there was a masked villain in plain sight, or was it the fact that she had a lit cigarette? I'm going with the cigarette to be quite honest. And now, after watching the trailer several times, I find it to me semi eerie, but still not something I'd pay $10 to see, more like a half price matinée. The elements it shows are all hand book scares:

• Skipping record
• Person standing while the killer is right behind them
• Non creepy song taken out of context and made freaky
• Quick cuts to make what is normally a kind of scary moment into a terrifying pee your pants experience
• Masked killers with screw around with the protagonist's head
• Swing(or other object) that makes a noise but no one is there

I could go on, but I've got other things to talk about.

So seeing as this is a movie that is being released during the summer and looks like it might sucker me in(though I'm still not sure I need a movie of Liv Tyler screaming for two hours), why not around Halloween? How much more scary would this movie be if it were released when there were people in masks surrounding you and you are out and about alone? Despite the latest movie in the torture porn series, Saw, or a crappy PG-13 remake of a Japanese movie with a gorgeous star from One Tree Hill, there's not much to fear about the modern age of horror.

I mean, let's look at what has been good in terms of horror: The Descent. Why can't we make movies like The Descent that screw with your mind and make you cringe and give you an ending with a huge punch that leaves you flabbergasted? However, that is one movie in two years. That's sad. I enjoy the feeling of fear a good scary movie can give you without having to bare boobs or be misogynistic like Hostel. Scary doesn't mean show all of the blood and guts. Fear can also be caused by what you don't see then always what you do see. It's why Jaws is so legendary, until you briefly see the shark, your pants have turned to a shade of brown.

And why do we have to remake every damn movie the Japanese produce? The number of bad horror movies that get released in March of all months and earlier is just horrendous. If you're going to make a scary movie, for once find something original. And that's where we get into Hostel territory. Not a remake, but a disgusting orgy of boobs and intestines. It seems that today, what is not a remake is just torture porn. And that frankly will not do. Horror doesn't have to rely on blood and skin to attract an audience. A good horror movie is like a regular good movie. It relies on its story and it creates characters you are both repulsed and intrigued by. Hannibal Lecter much?

So, to the producers and people who make movies in Hollywood, those who suggest making another remake of a perfectly fine movie(Platinum Dunes, you suck donkey), tell them to watch those classics and take notes. An homage is better than a rip off, in case you were wondering.

And as an added bonus, for those who have not seen it: The Strangers trailer!

Tila Tequila Eats Puppies and Watches Kittens Cry

To the Picture to my Right: Why are you smiling?! I'm not! It's because of your show that I have become an embittered blogger with a heart of fire and a strong hatred of MTV. If this is the Zeitgeist, then I want out.

Aw...Now that was a little too harsh, wasn't it?

Um...No.

As you may already know, I have a severe distaste for a certain show called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" A show which is apparently a show so important that they(being MTV) decided to give the starletard the butt end of her fifteen minutes of fame. I think she's on 13:47, so we're close!

Now, it might be semi immature to accuse Miss Tequila of such heinous crimes. I'm doing the world a favor in hopes that they might be swayed by my accusations, which I'm positive are true. But that's just me. However, I will say that while she may not necessarily eat puppies, I'm certain that she enjoys watching her contestants eat goat(?) testicles. Didn't the Wicked Witch of the West do that to the Scarecrow before becoming a news anchor for Fox?* Oh well, I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

I'm guessing that you, the reader of my site, would rather see me review her heinous abortion of a program than simply tell you not to watch it, and instead watch something like this family movie from France or something a bit lighter like this cute little gem with an animated rabbit. I'm pretty sure you'd rather watch a movie that describes the pain you get from watching a small portion of an episode of Shot at Love.

Now, on to the review:

As you already have guessed, A Shot at Love is a very, very bad show. Not only is it very bad, but because of this putrid waste of air wave space as well as other shows that spawned this show from the back of the middle school x number of years ago, there are only more and more bad shows being produced.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

Celebracadabra: A show about celebrities who team up with magicians! Hey, since when did Hal Sparks do anything else besides make out with Strawberry Shortcake?

Farmer Wants a Wife: Where, believe it or not, a farmer wants a wife. I. Kid. You. Not.

I Know My Kid's A Star: Ten teams of parents and children go at it Lohan family style to prove that their kid is SO much better than your kid. So suck it.

Secret Talents of the Stars: A show canceled after one episode which featured secret talents of the stars! Because my life would not be complete unless I saw Ben Stein do the jitterbug. See, if the title tells me all the show is about, I'll know how to avoid it. However, I'm sure episode two showed how far Pamela Anderson could stick a banana down her throat! LOL!!!!1 It's the 90's all over again!!!1

Man, sometimes, I wish I was joking. The writers return only to find that Reality TV has worsened, that people are actually making these shows and some folks are actually watching them. Which means only one thing: Despite the lack of decency MTV had during the first season, they decided to take another shot at love, and it seems to have worked.

Yeah, from the bit I saw, the people were arguing about something, probably involving mud wrestling or some incredibly hot and heavy sport. Some guy got injured, proving that love hurts! Tila made out with a female contestant while the camera man had a mini vacation. But this season, Tila has raised the bar, she's making sure that she is able to find that one person who she can fall in love with. Wasn't that her mission last season???

On a side note: At my friend's school, a student was accepted to be on Rock of Love 3. Which totally blew my mind, seeing as Season 2 had only just started. Would that mean that I'm right all along? That Reality TV is a sordid and horrific zone full of torment and fear?!

Well, except for Top Chef. Now that there is a quality show.

P.S This fall, more Pushing Daisies! So after weeping in a corner for a year, you can rejoice and sing for the return of the greatest thing to happen to pie since Waitress!!

*Disclaimer, I'm sorry Ann Coulter. I know it wasn't goat testicles you tried to feed the Scarecrow. You were just going all Ellen Page in Hard Candy on John Edwards. Can you still sleep at night? If so, you have no heart.

"I'm Wide Awake and I can see the perfect sky is Torn..."

Call me bizarre and deranged all you want, but I feel that there is an important matter at hand. A matter of two songs, well, one song, two different versions. You're bound to have heard the popular version of this song, but all will be revealed soon-ish.

Alright then, first, listen to this song, Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, a sweet, catchy little tune that has been played on the radio at least a gazillion times. It was a song I knew way back when, like, the nineties, that's how old I am. Well anyways, I finally found the title and the artist of this song, a very, as I said, catchy tune. A song that most people could relate to. There's just one little thing I only found about a month ago.

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia is in fact a cover, a version of a song by a little known band, Ednaswap who wrote a couple songs that ended up getting other people famous. Only, in my honest opinion, Ednaswap's version of the song is much, much better by a long shot.

Call me an obsessive person all you want, but doesn't it seem unfair that while the version you've most likely heard is a nice song, it is a) a cover of a song by an almost unknown band and b)the original version is ten times better. Need proof? Well, here it is, my good friend(s).

The point I have here is that in pop culture, people are notorious for doing mainstream versions of songs that are fine on their own, but unable to sell because, well, they aren't commercial or some random crap like that. And frankly, it makes me sick. While Imbruglia did a cover of the song and gave a slight 'twist' on it, if by twist you mean poppy makeover. Don't I have a right to complain?

Anyways, it's Friday, you should probably be out at the movies seeing Iron Man instead of worrying about some mixed up blogger's sanity. Au Revoir!

Every Little thing that You Say or Do, I'm Hung Up, I'm Hung Up on You.

Before I go on my tirade, let me say that I don't fully intend on hurting anyone's feelings, but I've just got to come out and say it:

I cannot stand Madonna. Period.
"Does Not Want!"

Like every rant, the reason I am venting about Madonna, one of the most popular singers ever because I see her as one of the most ubiquitous, vain, vapid, and overrated musicians of all time. Don't get me wrong, I will admit that her song, Hung Up that borrows(for lack of a word) from ABBA is more then slightly catchy and a guilty pleasure of mine. Despite this small guilty pleasure, it's not enough to retain myself from ranting about her. She hasn't looked for world peace, she constantly tries to bring back her sexy self from the eighties and she is always trying to reinvent herself as well as her image. Madonna seems to think she's still the bubbly, youthful free spirit who is loved by everyone when her only devoted listeners seem to be gay men and strip clubs. What makes this woman so loved, so worshiped and so divine? She is a Kabbalist which has turned many people to this pseudo-religion and worst of all, she is convinced that she is also as British as the queen herself.

For reasons beyond me, Madonna still has a stable career, when many people seem to be against her. She cannot act for her life, it's clear as can be. She notoriously ruined Guy Richie's career, almost bankrupt George Harrison's movie company, so not everyone loves her. While she still as popular as she was twenty years ago, she has also been a controversial figure. If by controversial you mean does things on stage and in music videos that is trying to be edgy and shocking. Which, if you think about it, is not very edgy and new at all. I know I most certainly will not listen to the aural assault called her music even if she pulls a Sinead O' Connor and tears a picture of the Pope and says Santa Claus is not real while spitting on the cross and makes love with a black priest(Wait...she already did this one).

Since her Like a Virgin stage, Madonna has played the cute and sexy part for too god damn long. People still attend her concerts, so because she's still so talked about, she obviously must still put out music, which it has slowly become less and less of. I'd call it, techno noise with boops and beeps and borrowing from songs from the 70's. And admit it, playing the sexy role at her age is just scary to witness and watching her try so hard to shock and cause talk about her music has gone on too long. Imagine your grandmother acting like Roxie Hart in Chicago and then you'll see what I mean.

In conclusion, Madonna, to be blunt, your fifteen minutes of fame have been up since the mid nineties and have been waiting to be collected for ages now. So claim them and leave the music industry please!

Still, regardless of what you think about Madge, this Ungodly rendition of the classic song "American Pie" should be buried in a safe at the bottom of a deep, dark ocean. And I won't even subject you to Madonna rapping. You'll have to search for that on your own masochistic time.

America Doesn't Suck

Though you may be thinking this is just a rant about people who think that America is the worst country in the world, it is not. This is just me venting about the flaws about America and why we have been brought into a vicious maelstrom. Especially our movies.

I don't want to get into another argument with the internet, an invention which I so nearly and dearly love. It is because I love the internet so much that I am making these points. So bear with me, it is just me talking, but I hope you'll care to listen.

So, as many of you may already know that Meet the Spartans, a recent spoof movie opened and made its way to #1 at the box office. Which strikes me as odd because movie goers and critics alike hated this movie with a well deserved fiery passion. And how Meet the Spartans makes #1 last week while Arrested Development is still canceled haunts me every day, but I'm digressing. Yes, Meet the Spartans is apparently a bad movie, judging its predecessor Epic Movie(Don't ask me why I paid a ticket, it was a conjoined mistake between a friend) it is pretty much one 90 minute long gay joke ripe with other dick-fart-tit-pussy jokes that makes its viewers want to eat their own eyeballs. Yes, it is supposed to suck. Hard. But that's still besides the point.

Call this backlash, but people on the boards who hated the movie automatically play a card. Not just any card, the America card. Sure, America is flawed. Our president is a moron, his henchmen are evil baby snatchers and we find two men in love a bigger threat then the terrorists, but putting all that aside, we aren't responsible for everything wrong in the world. And yet, people assume that because of our flaws that we thrive on crappy movies and other stupid forms of entertainment.

I will admit, we can make some lousy movies, our ratings board is a bunch of homophobic prudes but who doesn't make bad movies? To judge a country by their movies is just a meaningless task. Everyone will make at least some bad movies, it's not like one country is superior to another. I can bet that France makes plenty of cinematic enemas, but I only watch movies from there that interest me. Meet the Spartans only seems to appeal to incredibly stupid twelve year olds, and yet people are blaming the country that made this god awful movie just because they sat through it and were pissed off.

But what also gets my goat is how every country, not just other countries, act all arrogant and obnoxious when they say that their country is the superior country that makes only good movies. Since nobodies perfect, I doubt that.

In short, we all have to sit through bad movies, I should know, I'm a reviewer. But let me just defend us in saying that for every Meet the Spartans or Alvin and the Chipmunks, there will always be an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or No Country for Old Men. So, to paraphrase Field of Dreams, a movie I do not intend on seeing(But that's besides the point) "If you film a movie and it is good, they[the moviegoers] will come."

Lookout for Snidely Backlash!

Before you read: Just be aware that I know I am ranting about other bloggers, but it's more trolls then random people in general. And while it sounds silly, it is a topic that needs to be addressed.

So, after reading my short and sweet little intro, I hope you are more aware on who I am going to devote my sweet time to now. Not reality TV nobodies, just online nobodies. Yes, I am ranting about the irritating act of backlash.

Example: When I first heard about the movie Juno, I thought it looked like a cute movie about a smart girl who makes less than smart decisions. It had Ellen Page who freaked the crap out of me in Hard Candy, as well as other good actors. I was lucky enough to see a sneak preview of Juno a month before it was released. Needless to say, Juno is an amazing movie, one of the year's best, and when I went to rave about it on IMDB, it seemed that everyone else who saw a preview of it gushed about it, too.

Fast forward a month, and I go online to see the buzz about this little movie. It turns out, the users on IMDB figured since it was a popular movie that they should clog the web with scathing attacks against a movie. It's a movie for god's sake, not the Vietnam war. Why get so bent out of shape about a movie?

And then the light bulb in my head (Or the computer screen) went off and I realized their intents, their sick, sick attempts to piss me off. They were doing it based on popularity?

Why? Why bash anything that is popular and expect people to take credit for what you have to say. It's pretty much as elitist as elitist gets, it's childish and it also just makes you look like an idiot when you claim to be non-conformist. Pshaw, that's pathetic. What kind of sad person takes pot shots at Diablo Cody just because she got famous for her wit, her personality and most of all her script. She is rightfully famous, let her bask in her own glory.

And another thing, why do people immediately use the word, pretentious to describe a movie they didn't understand? In my honest opinion, it's pretty pretentious to make yourself out to be an intelligent scholar and a bright internet user when all you're doing is calling something pretentious when you didn't understand/get the movie. If you dislike the movie, it's fine. If you disliked the movie, then claim that everyone who does is a moron, then I do have a bit of a gripe with you.

If a movie is popular among audiences, it will get blasted. If it is critically acclaimed, it will get shot in the back. If it gets Oscar wins/nominations, it will be taunted and kicked in the shins. The shins I tell you!

And to be honest, I don't really know why I do this, but yet I do it because only the bloggers will understand the problems some people have dealing with the zeitgeist of today, the culture and the movies we love and how people devote their time to bash a movie only because nobody will find them. For that I will roll my eyes and click my tongue, because now that I have ceased to rant/vent about the matter, I am clean.

Reality TV Bites

Ok, so here is my situation:
Last Saturday, while watching my sister, who gets bored fast, I flipped on the TV in hopes of finding something half decent on. To my surprise(Scratch that, As I predicted) there was nothing to watch on TV. Finding something decent in this chaotic mess of writers on strike and channels fighting to keep their shows on the air. And how do we pay them back?
By creating annoying and fake reality shows.
The reality show was a revolutionary idea, which was given birth during the first writer's strike. However, when it comes down to class, reality TV must have been the result of a drunken one night stand in the backseat of a cheap, nacho cheese smelling car. And nine months later, once given birth to, reality TV seemed like a promising child. a child that would show human behavior at its finest, it would mirror life as we know it. The first, if you can remember or have read about, was The Real World, a show involving diverse people put into a house, living together. Needless to say, such a show appealed to a wide audience. In fact, season 2 involved one young man, Pedro, a gay, HIV+ guy who died not long after or before the season ended. and if Pedro had lived, he might just be appalled at the horrific sight of reality TV, as well as The Real World as a whole. The Real World now has become a racist, trashy show about totally uncharismatic people who you could smack upside the head without having to be asked.
And that's not all.
One of reality TV's most popular ideas has been the reality dating show. Blind Date, The Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, to name a few. And then there are others that are forgotten like a loud night and mass portions of alcohol(I'm looking at you, reality TV's mother), like The Littlest Groom, which appealed to...nobody.
Reality TV also is trying to be edgy when coming up with new bland material, so what is edgier then a show involving real live, actual gay men?! Gay men pretending to be straight to confuse the woman on the show, or vice versa, is quite an interesting concept. If by interesting you mean pointless and somewhat homophobic. Playing it Straight, is the only one that comes to mind. That and Boy Meets Boy. But I mean, let's face it, if you are going to create a reality show with gay men, they have to be Liza Minnelli worshiping, lisping fashionistas, or else, how can you tell they're gay? Hey, don't criticize me, this is what the networks are thinking. It kind of breaks my heart.
But gay men and my heart aside(But don't shove that too far I'll return to it), all of the reality shows I've mentioned so far cannot even hold a candle to what show was on that very night I just so happened to flip through channels.
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.
If you are like any sensible person, you probably have no idea who the hell Tila Tequila is, and it won't help or hinder your life if you do or not. The point is she has her own reality show, and you don't. Only her show is different because she likes both guys...and girls! Whoa! And because of that, what better way to exploit your bisexuality then to star on a reality show?!
Seriously, watching this reduce my brains to cheese whiz. How vein and vapid do you have to be to get a reality show now? Tila isn't particularly attractive, she can't sing, she isn't an actress or a veteran of some TV show from the 80's-90's, so why is she famous enough to have a dating show? Just because she has a huge number of friends on Myspace? Really, is that it?! I'm missing Pushing Daisies for this?!
However, while watching this circus of missing dignity, I did manage to cop an enormous feel for these people. A feeling of pity, of sheer sorrow, and hate for that annoying Starletard Tila Tequila. Here she is talking people who have lives beyond the realm of complete stupidity, and then giving lap dances to their grandmothers. One girl had a family of mentally challenged people who like her were adopted by a caring young couple who love every creature and thinks everyone's special. And while it was schlocky, Tila was pretty much using the girl, and they were on a dating show. The girl who really loved Tila was booted off the next episode. Classy?
But what really gets my goat is the fact that when on a reality TV show, being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans gendered, Etc, that sole aspect about yourself makes you popular. Your sexuality is exploited to the point where you kind of feel ashamed for yourself and your personality. There is more to it then just faux lesbian tonsil hockey, and if people who subject themselves can't see it, then maybe they do deserve to watch such utter tripe if all they will do is look at people different then them as animals or creatures. Their brains have melted into oblivion already, why turn back now? What's the use?
On VH1, the other channel that has found their niche market in stupidity in lieu of actual music, was showing another reality show, of which everyone on it was unlikable and pathetic. And I apologize if you don't know/care about who the hell these people are, I just rant and report what I see, nothing I can do about it.
I Love New York.
For those same people who have lives, I will explain who New York is. New York,(Tiffany is her real name) was a contestant on Flavor of Love both seasons, where Flavor Flav rose back into/out of carrier suicide(Depends on who you ask) and looked for love. He is both annoying, and stupid, and ultimately embarrassing himself when going on dates with girls plucked fresh like chickens out of Trailer Homes. And Tiffany is remembered for the sole purpose of being annoying bitch who was a loud mouth drama queen that you both couldn't stand and couldn't help but notice her resemblance to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. And if you haven't seen the show, believe me, she is catty. Plus, she has more make up on then a Joan Crawford impersonator and looks like a Muppet.
So here I am, looking at these annoying women and thinking to myself, "Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror without feeling the slightest ounce of shame? Here you are, acting like a gaudy annoyance while people are living lives they've earned. Doctors are saving lives, curing diseases, and here you are, gyrating on a pole at a Fire House, or spitting on another contestant or having an unintelligible screaming match full of beeps and hollers. Do you honestly want to be remembered as that one person who was booted off of that one show and made to look like an ass for people's entertainment? For being a has-been looking for a comeback?"
So, until this writer's strike is settled, I'll be crying in a corner, pondering the final moments of the last Pushing Daisies episode and hoping that when the hurly burly is done that I come out a better man, a man who doesn't pity himself or feel degraded in any way. But until then, I'll just have to witness such monstrous people controlling TV and wait and wonder when it'll end.
Not soon enough.