Little Brains, Little Talent: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

To my Loyal Reader(s):
I apologize for my lack of posting for about a month, I wish I could give you a good excuse for my absence for a month, but alas, I can't. I've had plenty of things on my plate, I've been trying to write a book, which means I started writing, but had another brain fart and I'm working on something completely different. So, to make it up to you, I decided to start a series of posts about people who I particularly despise. Now, for a first candidate, you might have expected me to take on a particular bisexual leprechaun that has no talent, but I've gone on over kill and one more post about her, and it's Deer Hunter for me. No, I've got someone a whole lot worse to rag on. One friend of mine in the blogosphere, Stacey over at Webster's is my Bitch has countlessly talked about who I consider the Britney and Justin of the new millennium.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please turn your attention over to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the reason why everyone hates America.

To those who don't go on the computer or watch TV, there is a show called The Hills, which I'm not 100% sure what its about other then the fact that the people on that show are vain and shallow and more popular then you are. And on this waste of airspace, we watch the lives of two especially annoying and shallow people, Heidi and Spencer, and observe them in their natural habitat. Judging by what I've seen on the internet, this dream couple have got to be the most boring people on the face of the planet. Seriously folks, the only people who really care about the antics of these two would be themselves. Heidi and Spencer, or Speidi as they're referred to, must think that the people watching their show care about them and worship, which is true for a large part. But for the other people in the universe who don't give two thoughts about them, it's better we ignore them than fuel the beast.

Remember when our celebrities did something? When Princess Di pitched in to help the world while Bono went to third world countries to fix the lives of the people who lived in suffering everyday? Now we have famous people who don't have to do anything to attract a crowd. Simply because they star on a third-rate TV show and they are young and beautiful, they must be the center of attention. Have you heard these two morons speak? Listening to Spencer Pratt talk about Heidi and his 'career' is almost like listening to a sea shell, we think we hear something, but it's just so self contained that we regard it for the wind. And Heidi, man oh man, how in the hell does this attention whore get so much god damn work?! Already she has a TV show, a Clothing line, and a recording deal. What next, her own amusement park where skinny bimbos yap about things that nobody in their right mind cares about.

Though the world might absolutely despise this couple, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. While proving themselves useless, Speidi is able to make a career out of something unintentional, their stupidity. Just hearing them talk you'd expect the wind up key in their backs to stop twirling and watch them collapse like wind up dolls. You only have to watch this brief clip to get a clear picture on how much of a douche Spencer Pratt is. How pathetic do you have to be that people pay you to go club? Holy mackerel, the guy is such a tool. And Heidi, please. stop. Does not want... It's no surprise that the lost soul is an avid McCain supporter.

When I look at such wastes of human life, I can only be reminded of Britney and Kevin, the football QB/cheerleader couple on the much loved on my behalf, under appreciated animated show, Daria. This couple is the butt of every joke. They are incredibly moronic kids who need to get their own lives, they don't do any of their homework, they can't think for more then a second. Hell, Britney in one episode thought that Henry David Thoreau was Henry Fonda and he went to Walden Pond to reconcile with his daughter, Jane Fonda. Coincidentally, the two are named Britney and Kevin, a dark foreboding and an ultimately true to life portrayal of the young and the brainless.

So Speidi, if you're reading this(If you can), don't take this as any hard feelings. Just go back to your uninteresting lives and return to your perfect little world where you belong. And don't come back.

The Final Supper

Top Chef
Wednesdays at 10:00
Channel: Bravo

Time and time again, I have talked about reality TV, though it has been with harsh words and an angry and embittered look at television as a whole. And I don't blame myself one bit. If you just look at what it is that people watch, you too will find reason to bitch about all things trivial and intoxicating. Because we all know unless the dinosaur also known as Dina Lohan doesn't have her own show, then god dammit, the world is at rest.

So for a slight change, instead of telling you not to watch on TV(A list which goes on for miles), I figured in honor of last night's finale, I would talk food with you and do a small retrospect on my form of Crack TV, Top Chef.

As far as reality TV, there is few good shows to watch, so when a vicious critic like myself finds a good competitive reality show, a diamond in the rough if you will, there is cause for celebration. As it may seem, Top Chef may look like the little sister of the ever so popular and fierce, Project Runway. There's also Project Runway's dumpster baby, Top Design, that was shown to the public, but the public cowered in fear like Ann Coulter's children do whenever she tries to read them a bedtime story. Unlike Runway, Chef does not maintain the same form of trashiness and mayhem that its big sister craves like starletards crave their daddy's AM-EX Gold card. Sure, there are some people who you would happily bludgeon with a ten pound frozen steak or boil in their own pudding, but the audience is mainly drawn to the power and the effort that goes into every meal served. Not to say that Runway is just like eating chocolate cake, but on Chef, the contestants throughout the season are able to grow close to their teammates, it's not all about the individual all the time, it's not about who is mean and cranky, its about who has what it takes to create a meal that is both inventive and full of effort and talent. Which brings me to the center of my retrospect, how even the best can mess up, and it will cost them the title.

To anyone who has been watching this past season, you may recall the many chefs that stepped into the kitchen, hot headed but talented Dale, super smart and super genius Richard, Ms. calm, collective and totally talented Stephanie, douchebag white boy(s) Spike and Andrew(Wait, which one was which again?), the list goes on. Each person had their positive and negative aspects, each person seemed full of ideas. And then there are those who got by on one thing along.

Sheer dumb luck.

I say sheer dumb luck because as the viewers saw, it wasn't Dale, or Antonia, hell, even Jennifer, though not the best she wasn't only in it for the fame. This season did not have a Marcel or a Christian Sirrano or Tila Tequila, it had one who made it as far as she did simply because every time she screwed up, someone else did even worse.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lisa Fernandes.

My problem with Lisa was the fact that she outlasted so many people who were better then she herself was, and she didn't always seem to try, nor did she get her act together. She vowed not to screw up once she made it to Puerto Rico, and upon arrival, did very bad. But like in all cases, she did bad, person B did even worse. Though she outlasted the majority of the people in the competition, it was the fact that she was so snarky that broke the camel's back.

See, with Lisa, you disliked her, you thought she was unpleasant to be around, and she wasn't very compelling, you didn't tune in simply to see what she'll do next. Marcel was entertaining because while he was good, everyone hated him to no extent. He made the show addictive, his Eddie Munster hairstyle amazed the laws of gravity(seriously, it stayed perfect!), and don't even mention the foam. He was an asshole, but an asshole who was good at what he was doing, which was in the end, cooking. And Lisa didn't even have that.

Despite all other babble from here and there, the sure fire winner of Top Chef, the one who everyone had their Vegas bets in the pot for was Richard. So when Richard failed because of both his strength and his weakness, I, like many must have been shocked to see that in the end, all of that knowledge, his many new ideas were what cost him the title. And that alone must burn.

Season 4's dark horse winner, Stephanie was just a home girl from Chicago itself who refused to let anxiety get to her head and proved that it's not just the men who can cook. Though I assume she'd be very angry if a misogynist asked her to stay in the kitchen and make him a sandwich. With Stephanie, she was not only a good cook, but of all of the people, she seemed the most like a person I would be friends with or would trust with a knife and a cutting board.

Another positive thing that I especially liked was the friendships that were blossomed from the show. And I know how corny that sounds, but during the course of the show, there was a power team, Richard, Stephanie, Andrew and Antonia. The fab four who became the power trio once their weakest and worst member Andrew was kicked off. These three were partners for two competitions, one being Wedding Wars and the other, Restaurant Wars. Like a group of old friends, they made arguably the best food there. Each person was original, they equally contributed and made great meals, so that itself kept my interest. Such a contrast to watch the other players struggle and fight and whine until they were in the bottom.

Like in the finale, there were plenty of shocks that happened throughout the show. First being Dale's early departure. Here was a talented chef who proved he could cook. I mean yeah, he had a bad day, but compared to Lisa, the negative Nancy she was, he had skills. Two of the season's strongest in the end both lost, which is both a shame and a surprise. However, the uncertainty was very intriguing to watch. Until Season Five, I'll be licking my fingers and salivating for more.

Tila Tequila Eats Puppies and Watches Kittens Cry

To the Picture to my Right: Why are you smiling?! I'm not! It's because of your show that I have become an embittered blogger with a heart of fire and a strong hatred of MTV. If this is the Zeitgeist, then I want out.

Aw...Now that was a little too harsh, wasn't it?

Um...No.

As you may already know, I have a severe distaste for a certain show called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" A show which is apparently a show so important that they(being MTV) decided to give the starletard the butt end of her fifteen minutes of fame. I think she's on 13:47, so we're close!

Now, it might be semi immature to accuse Miss Tequila of such heinous crimes. I'm doing the world a favor in hopes that they might be swayed by my accusations, which I'm positive are true. But that's just me. However, I will say that while she may not necessarily eat puppies, I'm certain that she enjoys watching her contestants eat goat(?) testicles. Didn't the Wicked Witch of the West do that to the Scarecrow before becoming a news anchor for Fox?* Oh well, I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

I'm guessing that you, the reader of my site, would rather see me review her heinous abortion of a program than simply tell you not to watch it, and instead watch something like this family movie from France or something a bit lighter like this cute little gem with an animated rabbit. I'm pretty sure you'd rather watch a movie that describes the pain you get from watching a small portion of an episode of Shot at Love.

Now, on to the review:

As you already have guessed, A Shot at Love is a very, very bad show. Not only is it very bad, but because of this putrid waste of air wave space as well as other shows that spawned this show from the back of the middle school x number of years ago, there are only more and more bad shows being produced.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

Celebracadabra: A show about celebrities who team up with magicians! Hey, since when did Hal Sparks do anything else besides make out with Strawberry Shortcake?

Farmer Wants a Wife: Where, believe it or not, a farmer wants a wife. I. Kid. You. Not.

I Know My Kid's A Star: Ten teams of parents and children go at it Lohan family style to prove that their kid is SO much better than your kid. So suck it.

Secret Talents of the Stars: A show canceled after one episode which featured secret talents of the stars! Because my life would not be complete unless I saw Ben Stein do the jitterbug. See, if the title tells me all the show is about, I'll know how to avoid it. However, I'm sure episode two showed how far Pamela Anderson could stick a banana down her throat! LOL!!!!1 It's the 90's all over again!!!1

Man, sometimes, I wish I was joking. The writers return only to find that Reality TV has worsened, that people are actually making these shows and some folks are actually watching them. Which means only one thing: Despite the lack of decency MTV had during the first season, they decided to take another shot at love, and it seems to have worked.

Yeah, from the bit I saw, the people were arguing about something, probably involving mud wrestling or some incredibly hot and heavy sport. Some guy got injured, proving that love hurts! Tila made out with a female contestant while the camera man had a mini vacation. But this season, Tila has raised the bar, she's making sure that she is able to find that one person who she can fall in love with. Wasn't that her mission last season???

On a side note: At my friend's school, a student was accepted to be on Rock of Love 3. Which totally blew my mind, seeing as Season 2 had only just started. Would that mean that I'm right all along? That Reality TV is a sordid and horrific zone full of torment and fear?!

Well, except for Top Chef. Now that there is a quality show.

P.S This fall, more Pushing Daisies! So after weeping in a corner for a year, you can rejoice and sing for the return of the greatest thing to happen to pie since Waitress!!

*Disclaimer, I'm sorry Ann Coulter. I know it wasn't goat testicles you tried to feed the Scarecrow. You were just going all Ellen Page in Hard Candy on John Edwards. Can you still sleep at night? If so, you have no heart.

Watch and Discuss What?!

Flavor of Love 3
Channel: VH1

Well, as most of you know, I have ranted about Reality TV before. I dished on Tila Tequila, I slammed her disgusting show, so I don't think I need to revisit that realm again. However, this I guess could be an unofficial part 2 of my rant, only this time it is a formal review.

Before I review the complete and utter tripe I just witnessed, let me just say, What the Hell VH1? How could you do this to me. I will admit that your lists on random and unimportant things in pop culture, I fall under your spell of love for the 90's and the like. They are able to make sick days/bored days go by. Which, though at times it is kind of sad to think about, I still manage to find a shred of entertainment in lists and shows like that have random people get high off of nostalgia. And watching Hal Sparks make out with Rainbow Brite is disturbingly funny. But this, now this I will not stand for.

For some reason, the slogan for VH1 has become Watch and Discuss, but as I sat and watched as Flavor Flav embarked on another journey through career suicide and searched for love among 20 or so girls, taking them on dates, having them do challenges and swap herpes, being the witness to such disturbing charades was too much. They fought, swore and stripped their clothes off while we the viewer are subject to this bizarre form of Clockwork Orange like punishment. No, screw that, Guantanamo style punishment. Hell, even Marathon Man!(Well, I'm still alive, and Lawrence Olivier is dead so...) So what does Watch and Discuss really mean? Does it mean we have to blog about how pissed off we are? Is that the form of discussion we have to get into? Watch and Discuss makes VH1 look like CNN, like there is something important and life threatening to talk about. So if we talk about the fact that the Devinyls touch themselves while thinking about someone or that Sophie B. Hawkins wishes she was our lover, I guess we are doing VH1 a favor.(But in all honestly, I love you Sophie B. Hawkins!)

So VH1, here I am, shaking my fist at you. Since I ranted about Tila Tequila, a lot of things have happened. The strike ended, so now I will be able to gaze longingly at my Pushing Daisies cast again. Also, Flavor of Love 3 started up. And finally, what you've all been waiting for: My review.

If it weren't for the library carrying a DVD that just so happened to be scratched up. If the DVD weren't scuffed up, I would be watching The Shawshank Redemption(Like I planned to do) and finally seeing the movie that I have heard much praise about. But, since that happened, and VH1 just so happened to be on, and I was looking for a thing to review/rant about, this had to do. But let me say, after watching this, I think that Flavor Flav should be locked up in Shawshank and never be let out. Ever.

Watching Flavor of Love 3 was to say the least, a depressing experience. I had to sit through an hour of these girls flaunt what their mother(Or more like Plastic Surgeon) gave them. These girls were not only hoochie mamas, they were also crazy women who did not seem to speak proper English. (This season of Flavor of Love 3, join Flav and visit the most romantical places on earth!) The girls this season were annoying, and my hope is that one of them is just like the woman who made Flavor of Love 1 and 2, the queen B-yoch New York. And watching this season of bratty, catty and altogether batty divas, I found hope and a possibility that one girl would be the battiest of them all and be able to honor Miss. Tiffany's name.

Another thing that really annoyed me was the fact that two of the girls were on the plump side, and because they weren't twigs, ominous music was cued for their entrances, Flav acted like a complete asshole and just gawked like they were in cages and he had paid a nickel. Not only were the fat women put to shame, but so were the other women. The only thing Flav noticed on these girls were their enormous amounts of T&A, which seemed to be larger than their heads. No surprise there, it is reality TV. Who in their right mind would want to walk around looking like a human life preserver? For shame.

So Flavor Flav, if you read this(Which I know you won't) know that I will be looking at you with scornful eyes. Eyes full of fire and disappointment. And VH1, stick with 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's and get rid of Flavor Flav.

And P.S, be glad I didn't critique and lambaste Celebrity Rehab. I'm not even touching that.

Reality TV Bites

Ok, so here is my situation:
Last Saturday, while watching my sister, who gets bored fast, I flipped on the TV in hopes of finding something half decent on. To my surprise(Scratch that, As I predicted) there was nothing to watch on TV. Finding something decent in this chaotic mess of writers on strike and channels fighting to keep their shows on the air. And how do we pay them back?
By creating annoying and fake reality shows.
The reality show was a revolutionary idea, which was given birth during the first writer's strike. However, when it comes down to class, reality TV must have been the result of a drunken one night stand in the backseat of a cheap, nacho cheese smelling car. And nine months later, once given birth to, reality TV seemed like a promising child. a child that would show human behavior at its finest, it would mirror life as we know it. The first, if you can remember or have read about, was The Real World, a show involving diverse people put into a house, living together. Needless to say, such a show appealed to a wide audience. In fact, season 2 involved one young man, Pedro, a gay, HIV+ guy who died not long after or before the season ended. and if Pedro had lived, he might just be appalled at the horrific sight of reality TV, as well as The Real World as a whole. The Real World now has become a racist, trashy show about totally uncharismatic people who you could smack upside the head without having to be asked.
And that's not all.
One of reality TV's most popular ideas has been the reality dating show. Blind Date, The Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, to name a few. And then there are others that are forgotten like a loud night and mass portions of alcohol(I'm looking at you, reality TV's mother), like The Littlest Groom, which appealed to...nobody.
Reality TV also is trying to be edgy when coming up with new bland material, so what is edgier then a show involving real live, actual gay men?! Gay men pretending to be straight to confuse the woman on the show, or vice versa, is quite an interesting concept. If by interesting you mean pointless and somewhat homophobic. Playing it Straight, is the only one that comes to mind. That and Boy Meets Boy. But I mean, let's face it, if you are going to create a reality show with gay men, they have to be Liza Minnelli worshiping, lisping fashionistas, or else, how can you tell they're gay? Hey, don't criticize me, this is what the networks are thinking. It kind of breaks my heart.
But gay men and my heart aside(But don't shove that too far I'll return to it), all of the reality shows I've mentioned so far cannot even hold a candle to what show was on that very night I just so happened to flip through channels.
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.
If you are like any sensible person, you probably have no idea who the hell Tila Tequila is, and it won't help or hinder your life if you do or not. The point is she has her own reality show, and you don't. Only her show is different because she likes both guys...and girls! Whoa! And because of that, what better way to exploit your bisexuality then to star on a reality show?!
Seriously, watching this reduce my brains to cheese whiz. How vein and vapid do you have to be to get a reality show now? Tila isn't particularly attractive, she can't sing, she isn't an actress or a veteran of some TV show from the 80's-90's, so why is she famous enough to have a dating show? Just because she has a huge number of friends on Myspace? Really, is that it?! I'm missing Pushing Daisies for this?!
However, while watching this circus of missing dignity, I did manage to cop an enormous feel for these people. A feeling of pity, of sheer sorrow, and hate for that annoying Starletard Tila Tequila. Here she is talking people who have lives beyond the realm of complete stupidity, and then giving lap dances to their grandmothers. One girl had a family of mentally challenged people who like her were adopted by a caring young couple who love every creature and thinks everyone's special. And while it was schlocky, Tila was pretty much using the girl, and they were on a dating show. The girl who really loved Tila was booted off the next episode. Classy?
But what really gets my goat is the fact that when on a reality TV show, being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans gendered, Etc, that sole aspect about yourself makes you popular. Your sexuality is exploited to the point where you kind of feel ashamed for yourself and your personality. There is more to it then just faux lesbian tonsil hockey, and if people who subject themselves can't see it, then maybe they do deserve to watch such utter tripe if all they will do is look at people different then them as animals or creatures. Their brains have melted into oblivion already, why turn back now? What's the use?
On VH1, the other channel that has found their niche market in stupidity in lieu of actual music, was showing another reality show, of which everyone on it was unlikable and pathetic. And I apologize if you don't know/care about who the hell these people are, I just rant and report what I see, nothing I can do about it.
I Love New York.
For those same people who have lives, I will explain who New York is. New York,(Tiffany is her real name) was a contestant on Flavor of Love both seasons, where Flavor Flav rose back into/out of carrier suicide(Depends on who you ask) and looked for love. He is both annoying, and stupid, and ultimately embarrassing himself when going on dates with girls plucked fresh like chickens out of Trailer Homes. And Tiffany is remembered for the sole purpose of being annoying bitch who was a loud mouth drama queen that you both couldn't stand and couldn't help but notice her resemblance to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. And if you haven't seen the show, believe me, she is catty. Plus, she has more make up on then a Joan Crawford impersonator and looks like a Muppet.
So here I am, looking at these annoying women and thinking to myself, "Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror without feeling the slightest ounce of shame? Here you are, acting like a gaudy annoyance while people are living lives they've earned. Doctors are saving lives, curing diseases, and here you are, gyrating on a pole at a Fire House, or spitting on another contestant or having an unintelligible screaming match full of beeps and hollers. Do you honestly want to be remembered as that one person who was booted off of that one show and made to look like an ass for people's entertainment? For being a has-been looking for a comeback?"
So, until this writer's strike is settled, I'll be crying in a corner, pondering the final moments of the last Pushing Daisies episode and hoping that when the hurly burly is done that I come out a better man, a man who doesn't pity himself or feel degraded in any way. But until then, I'll just have to witness such monstrous people controlling TV and wait and wonder when it'll end.
Not soon enough.