Friday, May 23, 2008

Oh the Horror, the Horror!

Well, after being mentioned a second time on the daily Pajiba Love,(Thanks Stacy!) I have decided to write something else that is a semi rant/looksie at some of the summer movies(well one of them) and in case the picture to my left isn't a good enough clue, that would be The Strangers, a film based on true events like Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on true events. Which in the end meant stretched out far from the truth and turned into a gory spectacle. But why in particular this movie? I mean, I, like many am pumped and anticipating for when The Dark Knight comes out(I'm waiting for when IMAX tickets go on sale), why pick a horror flick with seemingly true plot elements and stars freakin' Arwen the Elf? Which is where my point comes in handy.

Too many horror movies are a) released at the wrong time of the year or are b)terrible.

I first saw a trailer for The Strangers when I went and saw the underwhelming and displeasing The Ruins, and to be quite honest, I began to have a laughing fit in the middle of the theater. Mainly because it seemed like a totally cliched trailer for what seemed(seems) to be just another version of Funny Games, but it will make more money and actually make a spot on the top ten of the weekend. But in the trailer, I'm not 100% sure what pissed me off more about it; was it the fact that Liv Tyler was standing in the kitchen when there was a masked villain in plain sight, or was it the fact that she had a lit cigarette? I'm going with the cigarette to be quite honest. And now, after watching the trailer several times, I find it to me semi eerie, but still not something I'd pay $10 to see, more like a half price matinée. The elements it shows are all hand book scares:
  • Skipping record
  • Person standing while the killer is right behind them
  • Non creepy song taken out of context and made freaky
  • Quick cuts to make what is normally a kind of scary moment into a terrifying pee your pants experience
  • Masked killers with screw around with the protagonist's head
  • Swing(or other object) that makes a noise but no one is there
I could go on, but I've got other things to talk about.

So seeing as this is a movie that is being released during the summer and looks like it might sucker me in(though I'm still not sure I need a movie of Liv Tyler screaming for two hours), why not around Halloween? How much more scary would this movie be if it were released when there were people in masks surrounding you and you are out and about alone? Despite the latest movie in the torture porn series, Saw, or a crappy PG-13 remake of a Japanese movie with a gorgeous star from One Tree Hill, there's not much to fear about the modern age of horror.

I mean, let's look at what has been good in terms of horror: The Descent. Why can't we make movies like The Descent that screw with your mind and make you cringe and give you an ending with a huge punch that leaves you flabbergasted? However, that is one movie in two years. That's sad. I enjoy the feeling of fear a good scary movie can give you without having to bare boobs or be misogynistic like Hostel. Scary doesn't mean show all of the blood and guts. Fear can also be caused by what you don't see then always what you do see. It's why Jaws is so legendary, until you briefly see the shark, your pants have turned to a shade of brown.

And why do we have to remake every damn movie the Japanese produce? The number of bad horror movies that get released in March of all months and earlier is just horrendous. If you're going to make a scary movie, for once find something original. And that's where we get into Hostel territory. Not a remake, but a disgusting orgy of boobs and intestines. It seems that today, what is not a remake is just torture porn. And that frankly will not do. Horror doesn't have to rely on blood and skin to attract an audience. A good horror movie is like a regular good movie. It relies on its story and it creates characters you are both repulsed and intrigued by. Hannibal Lecter much?

So, to the producers and people who make movies in Hollywood, those who suggest making another remake of a perfectly fine movie(Platinum Dunes, you suck donkey), tell them to watch those classics and take notes. An homage is better than a rip off, in case you were wondering.

And as an added bonus, for those who have not seen it: The Strangers trailer!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tila Tequila Eats Puppies and Watches Kittens Cry

To the Picture to my Right: Why are you smiling?! I'm not! It's because of your show that I have become an embittered blogger with a heart of fire and a strong hatred of MTV. If this is the Zeitgeist, then I want out.

Aw...Now that was a little too harsh, wasn't it?


As you may already know, I have a severe distaste for a certain show called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" A show which is apparently a show so important that they(being MTV) decided to give the starletard the butt end of her fifteen minutes of fame. I think she's on 13:47, so we're close!

Now, it might be semi immature to accuse Miss Tequila of such heinous crimes. I'm doing the world a favor in hopes that they might be swayed by my accusations, which I'm positive are true. But that's just me. However, I will say that while she may not necessarily eat puppies, I'm certain that she enjoys watching her contestants eat goat(?) testicles. Didn't the Wicked Witch of the West do that to the Scarecrow before becoming a news anchor for Fox?* Oh well, I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

I'm guessing that you, the reader of my site, would rather see me review her heinous abortion of a program than simply tell you not to watch it, and instead watch something like this family movie from France or something a bit lighter like this cute little gem with an animated rabbit. I'm pretty sure you'd rather watch a movie that describes the pain you get from watching a small portion of an episode of Shot at Love.

Now, on to the review:

As you already have guessed, A Shot at Love is a very, very bad show. Not only is it very bad, but because of this putrid waste of air wave space as well as other shows that spawned this show from the back of the middle school x number of years ago, there are only more and more bad shows being produced.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

: A show about celebrities who team up with magicians! Hey, since when did Hal Sparks do anything else besides make out with Strawberry Shortcake?

Farmer Wants a Wife: Where, believe it or not, a farmer wants a wife. I. Kid. You. Not.

I Know My Kid's A Star
: Ten teams of parents and children go at it Lohan family style to prove that their kid is SO much better than your kid. So suck it.

Secret Talents of the Stars
: A show canceled after one episode which featured secret talents of the stars! Because my life would not be complete unless I saw Ben Stein do the jitterbug. See, if the title tells me all the show is about, I'll know how to avoid it. However, I'm sure episode two showed how far Pamela Anderson could stick a banana down her throat! LOL!!!!1 It's the 90's all over again!!!1

Man, sometimes, I wish I was joking. The writers return only to find that Reality TV has worsened, that people are actually making these shows and some folks are actually watching them. Which means only one thing: Despite the lack of decency MTV had during the first season, they decided to take another shot at love, and it seems to have worked.

Yeah, from the bit I saw, the people were arguing about something, probably involving mud wrestling or some incredibly hot and heavy sport. Some guy got injured, proving that love hurts! Tila made out with a female contestant while the camera man had a mini vacation. But this season, Tila has raised the bar, she's making sure that she is able to find that one person who she can fall in love with. Wasn't that her mission last season???

On a side note: At my friend's school, a student was accepted to be on Rock of Love 3. Which totally blew my mind, seeing as Season 2 had only just started. Would that mean that I'm right all along? That Reality TV is a sordid and horrific zone full of torment and fear?!

Well, except for Top Chef. Now that there is a quality show.

P.S This fall, more Pushing Daisies! So after weeping in a corner for a year, you can rejoice and sing for the return of the greatest thing to happen to pie since Waitress!!

*Disclaimer, I'm sorry Ann Coulter. I know it wasn't goat testicles you tried to feed the Scarecrow. You were just going all Ellen Page in Hard Candy on John Edwards. Can you still sleep at night? If so, you have no heart.

Friday, May 9, 2008

"I'm Wide Awake and I can see the perfect sky is Torn..."

Call me bizarre and deranged all you want, but I feel that there is an important matter at hand. A matter of two songs, well, one song, two different versions. You're bound to have heard the popular version of this song, but all will be revealed soon-ish.

Alright then, first, listen to this song, Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, a sweet, catchy little tune that has been played on the radio at least a gazillion times. It was a song I knew way back when, like, the nineties, that's how old I am. Well anyways, I finally found the title and the artist of this song, a very, as I said, catchy tune. A song that most people could relate to. There's just one little thing I only found about a month ago.

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia is in fact a cover, a version of a song by a little known band, Ednaswap who wrote a couple songs that ended up getting other people famous. Only, in my honest opinion, Ednaswap's version of the song is much, much better by a long shot.

Call me an obsessive person all you want, but doesn't it seem unfair that while the version you've most likely heard is a nice song, it is a) a cover of a song by an almost unknown band and b)the original version is ten times better. Need proof? Well, here it is, my good friend(s).

The point I have here is that in pop culture, people are notorious for doing mainstream versions of songs that are fine on their own, but unable to sell because, well, they aren't commercial or some random crap like that. And frankly, it makes me sick. While Imbruglia did a cover of the song and gave a slight 'twist' on it, if by twist you mean poppy makeover. Don't I have a right to complain?

Anyways, it's Friday, you should probably be out at the movies seeing Iron Man instead of worrying about some mixed up blogger's sanity. Au Revoir!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

You're a Part time Lover and a Full Time Friend: Tearjerking Movie Moments

Wow, it's been forever since I posted, and since I am bored as hell(literally) I figured I'd make a list of movies that are tearjerkers. It doesn't mean that they are 100% sad dramas, just movies with moments that make me emotional. To me, a movie that makes me cry is a movie that proves itself human. Not only can it cause me to lose it, it also makes me feel 100% more releved and relived because even though tears are flowing, I'm getting the full impact of the film. Oh, and I'm making this mostly spoiler free, so do not fret. Also, I have some repeats that I may have mentioned before, just so you know.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How many times has this been mentioned on this site? At least three times, I'm guessing. Well, I'm guessing that I do mention it so frequently is because it really is just an incredible movie. Full of funny and sad and altogether human moments, you've just got to love this unique and mind blowing movie. And you'll most likely shed a few tears when the protagonist realizes the mistake he has made. Brain Fart: Sometime soon, I'm going to Montauk.

Lars and the Real Girl

This film too was mentioned earlier, but I thought it wouldn't matter if I mentioned this a second time, just because it is the kind of feel good movie I am into. Films that set out to jerk tears and tear heartstrings are in my opinion pathetic,(*Cough* August Rush!*Cough*) So this was a sigh of relief. Only the brilliant Nancy Oliver( A Writer for Six Feet Under) can take what could be a dirty sex comedy about a man who falls in love with a sex doll and turns it into a human movie with human emotions. When we the viewer learn how supportive the community is and how much they love him, you can't help but smile and possibly sob.(Like I did)


Damn you Diablo Cody for making such a funny and sweet movie! Well, it's not a bad thing, I would personally like to thank her for making such a terrific film and bringing her characters to life. I will admit that when I first saw this, I did not cry. It was only after I bought the DVD and watched it that I truly wept and became ultimately bi-polar. I blame Ellen Page and her cute lingo and how honest and cute Paulie Bleeker is and how soulful Cat Power is. Gaw, now I'll start choking up...

The Wizard of Oz

Yes, that Wizard of Oz. The movie with Judy Garland singing about rainbows and sleeping in poppy fields in those freaking ruby slippers. Call me hokey, and I'm assuming that I'm not spoiling anything, anyone with a soul has seen The Wizard of Oz when I say that the end really gets me going. Even though she loves each and everyone of the men she meets, it's the kind Scarecrow that she's going to miss most of all. Now you've got to admit, over the rainbow is pretty much magical, no matter what age.

Love Actually

Recently, Love Actually has become a Christmas favorite. Something about how it's a romantic ensemble movie that revolves around Christmas and Love. To be honest, the only reason I don't cry during this movie is because both times I watched it, I was in a room with my family. It's reasons like that that make me just want to leave the room, take the movie and view it on my own time. It's one of those movies that ties up beautifully in every way, shape and form.

Beauty and the Beast

I'll admit it, few cartoons can make me feel the warm, gooiness inside when I watch Beauty and the Beast. Instead of falling head over heels in love with the beast, Belle is at first repulsed by him, then as the film progresses, she learns to love him and that beauty is only skin deep. You might say I'm biased towards this movie because Belle loves to read books(YAY!) but I like the songs and the story. You can tell me the beast will get Belle and live as many times as you want, I'll still breakdown and cry like a baby.

Six Feet Under(The Final Three Episodes)

As tearjerkers go, this is the mother load. The biggest emotion I possible felt for anything lies deep within the awesome power of this show. I not only cry while watching the final episodes, but I feel like as the minutes go by, I'm losing people in my life. People who I've loved, characters who I've grown attached to. At the center, these episodes aren't always about loss, but about how important and beautiful life is. It is also nice to see Claire(Lauren Ambrose Aka My Personal Claire for The Time Traveler's Wife movie) grow up before my eyes and become a young woman. I don't think any show or movie will ever hit me the was 6FU did. Rest in Peace.